Letter to Wisconsin, circa 2004

I used to carry notepads with me to the bars in order to record my various thoughts about things. On closer, and more sober review, much of it is gibberish. Tough, I'm posting it anyway. I also used to write frequent letters to various people, places, and things that I found vexing. To wit, a 2004 (ish) letter to the State of Wisconsin:

Yo Wisconsin--
can I call you 'consin? Good. You can call me Al. I am writing b/c I saw your quarter. It's cool...I guess. I get the cow & the cheese, but Not the corn. B/C I am from Indiana, & WE make corn, NOT you guys. Also, WHAT THE ABSOLUTELY RAINSTORM FUCKING FUCK IS UP WITH "FORWARD"?! THAT SHIT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE YOU DUMBASS!!

Apparently I followed up that letter with another one:

Dear 'Consin--
I thought you were cool. Why you gots ta hate? My newest friend "Honey" tells me that perhaps "Forward" really means "straight". Is it true that you may actually be trying to keep gay people from living there? It is totally NOT 1952. Get w/the times! What if Brett Favre was gay? Not that he is, I'm just saying, wouldn't you love him just the same? Don't hate 'Consin, appreciate.

No, I don't know either. Alcohol is a helluva drug. Bitchin!

Drunken Haikus

Recently I found a series of haiku that I forced drunk strangers in bars to write about 5 or 6 years ago. My plan was to approach complete strangers, say nothing, but hand them a pen and a piece of paper. At the top of the paper I had pre-written the following: "Hello. My name is John. You have 3 minutes to write a haiku on this page. Welcome to the game!" No, I don't have any idea what "the game!" was or why I thought it was necessary to write something so goofy. Also, my name is not John. Or maybe it is.

Anyway, only one or two people refused to participate initially. More often than not the person would initially openly ridicule and mock me in front of their friends, then proceed to actually concentrate and write a haiku. I like to believe this proves that my awesome has the ability to overpower trepidation and lameness. Enough of this explaining of things and more haiku! The following are transcribed exactly as written, grammar, spelling, and all.

Haiku One:
Hank was a great man
He went allot af places
His Hat fit him well
ZACHARY A BELL
[Ed. note: If you ever read this Zachary A. Bell, drop me a line. You deserve to be recognized for your haiku.]

Haiku Two:
Video Saloon
How I love to drink High-Life!
Only five dollars.
--Merett

Haiku Three:
i like tasty drinks
liquor flows in my belly
i will be drunk soon
*lauren*

Haiku Four:
Elvis was a narc
chasing squirrels in the park
man, pop cultures dark
--Aaron

Haiku Five:
I drink beer all night
Then I go home to
smoke weed
Get out of my sight
--B.O.
[Ed. note: I guess B.O. didn't understand the format of a haiku.]

Haiku Six:
Pabst Blue Ribbon is
as the bird flies south-western
good in my wet mouth
--Jay McClurey
[Ed. note: Again, Jay, should you read this feel free to contact me. Also of note is that this haiku was written many years before the current set of idiotic hipsters "discovered" PBR, so I guess that makes Jay ahead of his time.]

Haiku Seven:
I want beer
beer
deer
[Uh, this one must have been too drunk to join "the game!"]

Haiku Eight:
I don't know
Goddamn you fucker
Haiku is really tough here
I'm just drinking my beer
[This was illegible, but fortunately I asked for a translation and wrote it on the back.]

Haiku Nine:
I like sex a lot
I will have it everyday
If you will fuck me
--Tabby
[Creative!]

Haiku Ten:
blue jeans hanging low
asscrack has become the new
statement of fashion

Let's try something new

It's obvious I got bored with this blog pretty quickly--maybe not as quickly as some of you, but that's another matter. I have decided that I will keep up with the occasional posts related to Utah, but that perhaps I can keep my own interest going more if I discuss other things as well. As a result, this blog is now going to be fully as random as my own mind. Enjoy. Or don't. Whatever. It's up to you. Though if you do enjoy it, even a little, be sure and let me know. Or don't. Happy Sunday.