Whaddayoulookinat?

There is a pronounced difference between the people out East and the people here. It has been hard for me to figure out exactly what has been striking me as so odd because it turns out that these differences are somewhat subtle. I am going to do my best to try and explain...

The first thing that I noticed around here was an unusual refusal to speak when in close quarters. You know how it goes, you’re coming down an aisle in the store for example, and a stranger is blocking the aisle examining the array of hot dog buns or whatever. Maybe the person doesn’t see you coming, and you don’t really mean to inconvenience them, so your natural response is to say, “Excuse me” as you pass by. Now to be sure, this is not always an observed courtesy in all areas of the country, and even back East there can be times when you are made to feel invisible by the occasional jerk in a store. Here in SLC however, it is the norm to ignore everyone else. Not once, not one single time since I’ve been here, have I said “excuse me” and had the other person so much as look my direction. Not to mention when I was the person to whom the “excuse me” should have been delivered--boy oh boy is that EVER asking too much of the locals. They will walk by close enough to smell your breath, their clothes may even brush against your arm, and not say a single word or grunt for that matter. It is infuriating. In fact, I honestly would prefer it if they said, “Fuck you” as they passed. At least they’d be speaking a language I could understand. Nah, they’d rather just move on pretending you’re not there. Shit, even in NYC if you say “Excuse me” as you pass by they may not speak to you (though they often do) but they’ll at least look at you and move their cart or body out of your way. Not here though, we’ll just keep pretending you’re a ghost.

The second thing I noticed is very odd: they stare. And I don’t mean you happen to catch someone sneaking a glance at your shopping cart or checking you out physically. No, this is more like a direct, unflinching stare; the kind that makes you feel slightly uncomfortable, like maybe you have a booger on your nose or your fly is down. It doesn’t really matter where you are in the town either...grocery store, parking lot, restaurant...wherever you are you can be sure that if you look up for a moment there is at least one person staring at you. Unlike the rest of the world, where when you catch someone staring they tend to avert their gaze quickly so as not to cause the stare-ee to feel as though they are being challenged. I’m sure this goes back to when we were animals living in the wild and seems to be a standard response understood by everyone over the age of 8. Not here though, where even the dudes keep staring even if you lock eyes--which is creepy, and in violation of the long-established man-law (Section 9, Paragraph 14, Lines 10-25) against locking eyes with another man unless you’re about to punch him. Also, the staring combines with the complete refusal to speak mentioned above to create the sense that these people must all either have IQs no higher than 65 or they’re going to murder you when you turn your back.

The third difference that has become more apparent is the overtly rude demeanor when they do actually get around to speaking. Uncharacteristically, I have waited quite a while to make up my mind about this because I wanted to be sure I was not just running across a lot of people having bad days. At this point, however, it has become clear that it is simply normal behavior for these people to not give a shit about what you may be asking or what you have to say--especially if it is their job to provide you with such assistance. [link to DMV] If you ask a question of someone you have a 60/40 chance that they will show some sign of annoyed body language before providing you with the minimum possible amount of information. Frequently this causes you to need to ask follow-up questions, which are almost always answered with a high degree of frustration--I mean, what are you some kind of idiot that you didn’t understand me the first time when I gave you the most vague, half-assed of answers?

Example: Today I had to call the benefits office of my wife’s employer four times to find out our health insurance ID number for the pharmacy. (We don’t have the cards yet.) The first three calls were me asking for the information and being given one sentence answers like, “You’ll get the cards in 2 to 3 weeks” [what does that have to do with anything?!] or, “It’s just her employee ID with 9-0-0 at the beginning” [oh, so I guess I’m supposed to be psychic. My bad.] The fourth call, however, was me asking why the pharmacy was unable to find us in the system. The lady on the phone, exasperated with my repeated calling--yeah lady, like I really wanted to call you four times this morning--proceeded to tell me, “Well the problem is that you just sent in the paperwork at the end of last week, on Friday, and now you’re trying to use it today.” WHAT? For those of you who know me, you will be proud to know that I did not snatch her bald-headed over the phone. However...who the fuck does she think she is? Is it not her JOB to make sure that when she informs someone of their policy number that the plan is actually ACTIVE? Oh but nevermind because now she will just interrupt me while I try to ask another question and tell me that if I’d just, “WAIT for FIVE minutes” she’ll have it active in the system. So, not only is she a bitch, she’s a bitch because I’m asking her to actually do her job.

I cannot wait until I get a job here, because apparently you don’t have to do anything once you get one.

So yeah, the people here are different. Also, no one over the age of 19 is without a wedding ring and at least two small children; hardly anyone can parent (I know that’s not unusual in America, but I find it odd in a place with so very many kids--shouldn’t they have mastered it by now?); and you cannot go anywhere here without hearing scream, trantrummy children.

Now, if I can just find the strength to explain what it’s like to drive here...